RePersonalized

For the last couple years, I've treated my blog as a brand. Heck, I've treated my personality as a brand. This practice added pressure to perform in the writing world. You'd be amazed at how fast treating my writing like a brand killed the creative process and put a block several feet think over my mind. Very few times over the last two years did I break through the wall. Like earthquake survivors trapped in a collapsed high-rise, I sent messages to my creative self in hopes of rescue. In a Republicans-would-be-proud fashion, I picked myself up by my bootstraps, over and over, and have finally rediscovered that dynamic voice that first put me on the map in the kidlit world.

That last sentence contains two lies.

One, I did not pick myself up by my bootstraps. My boots don't even have straps; they're North Face winter hiking books. I picked myself up with the help of hundreds of people, namely professors, coworkers, and writing friends found through this very blog.

I've abandoned members of those groups at various times in the last few years because I felt like I was failing to answer to them. That's because I used those people as a means for accountability. Using another person as a tool for accountability works only if you can ultimately rely upon yourself for accountability. Holding myself accountable for anything is scary as shit. I doubt it's very different for anyone else, but we all wear the pressures of life in a different way. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and there fore those close to the center of my universe know immediately that I have failed, or at least they know that I think I've failed.

Accountability always leads to blame for me. Sometimes the blame comes first, but the two run hand in hand through my life.

Why do I take blame for so many little things in my life, but fail to hold myself accountable for some of the major things?

My friend Alayne treated me to a Viking rune reading a couple weeks ago. I felt particularly in tune with the Scandinavian practice because of my heritage. We used the three rune layout which means the first rune pulled stood for the overall state of things in my life, the second is the challenge I face, and the third is the action required. The spread I received excited me, and I'll paraphrase here. Essentially, I am nearing the end of a tumultuous phase and transitioning into a new, brighter phase. I need to stay aware of where I am as to not get too ahead. And within a year, I will see the dramatic changes I've made. After typing all that, I realize that's a horribly watered-down rendition of the gorgeous language used in the rune book.

Needless to say, I am excited about the changes mentioned. I can see them. I can feel them.

One of those changes is to make this blog mine again. No more branding. Nor more pandering. I need a public journal for my sanity and the benefits of using Jon's Life. outweigh those of starting from scratch. Life is not about starting from scratch. Accountability.

Harvest  <  Movement (reversed)  <  Breakthrough

Oh. Hello there!

It's a new year! Did you know that? I did, vaguely.

This is not one of those NEW YEAR, NEW ME BS posts - although I do have a resolution: stir the coffee beans in the press right after pouring in the boiling water.

I haven't been writing. I've been busy falling in love and ruling my college campus. Oh, and pinning the hell outta stuff for that one-day-house/wedding/trip to vancouver. I've been listening to new music like a fiend which is amazingly time consuming.

So, let's talk 2013.

School:
I am in the process of applying to schools (and have been for FIVE MONTHS), but I feel like I am not getting anywhere. The main reason is because my scope of schools has changed dramatically since my relationship status has changed. On the surface, it sounds like I am applying to schools so that I can go to the school my boyfriend hopes to go to (undetermined at this point). Well, that's pretty much exactly what it is. And that is really freaking exciting to me.

Truthfully, our #1 pick is an excellent school: UW Madison. It's in the top for Communications and Rhetoric, my two areas of concentration. And the idea of living in Madison is the most alluring one I've entertained in years. You remember me three years ago? I was just then thinking of going to school. And here I am, in a position to transfer from a CC to a kick ass university.

Clearly, I do not have it all figahed out. That is not stressing me in the slightest. That alone is an incredible thing. I am a stresser; you know this. I mean, even the grammar of this post is giving my brain hives, but I do not have time to edit. Ha! I just don't give a shit, really. I have the time.

Writing:
Earlier, it sounded like I regretted not writing. Well, I do to some extent. I am too good to not write. But is that a valid reason to always be writing? Probably. Am I a lifelong rule breaker? Yes.

Life:
In the meantime, I am going to continue on this low-stress track, rock and roll this semester into the history books, and make more time for reading. Oh, and stir those damn coffee beans.

Happy New Year, friends. And happy three years of blogging for me!