That last sentence contains two lies.
One, I did not pick myself up by my bootstraps. My boots don't even have straps; they're North Face winter hiking books. I picked myself up with the help of hundreds of people, namely professors, coworkers, and writing friends found through this very blog.
I've abandoned members of those groups at various times in the last few years because I felt like I was failing to answer to them. That's because I used those people as a means for accountability. Using another person as a tool for accountability works only if you can ultimately rely upon yourself for accountability. Holding myself accountable for anything is scary as shit. I doubt it's very different for anyone else, but we all wear the pressures of life in a different way. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and there fore those close to the center of my universe know immediately that I have failed, or at least they know that I think I've failed.
Accountability always leads to blame for me. Sometimes the blame comes first, but the two run hand in hand through my life.
Why do I take blame for so many little things in my life, but fail to hold myself accountable for some of the major things?
My friend Alayne treated me to a Viking rune reading a couple weeks ago. I felt particularly in tune with the Scandinavian practice because of my heritage. We used the three rune layout which means the first rune pulled stood for the overall state of things in my life, the second is the challenge I face, and the third is the action required. The spread I received excited me, and I'll paraphrase here. Essentially, I am nearing the end of a tumultuous phase and transitioning into a new, brighter phase. I need to stay aware of where I am as to not get too ahead. And within a year, I will see the dramatic changes I've made. After typing all that, I realize that's a horribly watered-down rendition of the gorgeous language used in the rune book.
Needless to say, I am excited about the changes mentioned. I can see them. I can feel them.
One of those changes is to make this blog mine again. No more branding. Nor more pandering. I need a public journal for my sanity and the benefits of using Jon's Life. outweigh those of starting from scratch. Life is not about starting from scratch. Accountability.
|Harvest < Movement (reversed) < Breakthrough|