Mar 8, 2012

I am afraid of myself

I have always been in the space between cynical and overly enthusiastic. It gets me in trouble sometimes. Why can't I just chose a side? Why can't I be genuinely engrossed in every paranormal romance that comes out? It'd be even easier if I could just denounce the entire genre and hate anyone who reads it.

I wish I preferred apathy, and didn't click 'like' on every damn image that tickles/inspires/motivates/kicks me. I wish apathy didn't piss me off so much. Who the eff cares that Heidi and Seal split up? Shit. I do. Who the eff cares that a warlord is making news this week and a Western produced video on the subject has gone viral? Who the eff cares that today is International Women's Day? I effing care! I care for my future daughters. I care for my sisters and nieces. I care for my Sisters.

I care for my future sons.

In case you're keeping track, I had to search and replace four f-bombs by now. I can't very well write the way I talk, that would be a career-killer. And my minor is communications/public speaking. I'd better get a tailor-made vernacular real quick, lest I get thrown out of a high school. I mean, my blog looks like the cover of a picture book, for Pete's sake.

I am sick of feeling disingenuous. I want to write a really great freaking book and defend every f-word until I die. I want readers to defend me too. I want them to defend the book, the setting, and the characters.

I do not want to be controversial, but it's in my nature to think differently than most people. That's pretty damn obvious.

But why do I pin, tweet, and facebook like everyone else? Why do I laugh hysterically at shit like this?

Where has my integrity gone? Did I ever have any? Do WE have any left?

Crap. I am about to go all Holden Caulfield on you.

I am not real. I am a goddamn phony. Just like the rest of em.

I'm so effing convoluted.


  1. We pick and choose which battles to fight or peace movements to support or whatever. I'm going to read what I want to read and get excited about what excites me. Usually I end up being the odd ball in a row boat in the middle of Lake Michigan whatever that's supposed to mean.

    An A to Z Co-Host
    Tossing It Out
    Twitter: @AprilA2Z
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    1. A row boat in the middle of Lake Michigan would be the scariest shit ever! Stay safe out there.

  2. I've got nothing for you, Jon. I've been feeling discouraged lately, and I have no idea why.

  3. I don't honestly understand why you would want to be apathetic. I think it's great that you have a silly sense of humor and healthy feelings of enthusiasm. Most of the cynical and apathetic people I know are boring and tiresome.

    I also laughed at the seal picture, btw. :)

    1. Cynthia! I don't honestly want to be apathetic, but it annoys me that I sometimes am. It's the classic battle between fitting in and standing out.

  4. Walking a tight rope means that sometimes you fall in. Whatever side you happen to fall on.

    Be extraordinary. Be ordinary. Sell out. Hold out. Be elitist. Be the opiate of the masses. Be crazy. Be sane. Be all of it at the same damn time. That's what makes you you.

    Don't be afraid of normal, or afraid of abnormal. Be afraid of NOT being a contradiction.

    Of being only one thing.

    Because THAT would be BORING.

  5. Well. Um. Jon, you do realise if you hadn't have replaced the expletives I would have defended you? Me and, I'm sure, countless others. FOR SERIOUS. It wouldn't even really be a matter of principle or whatever or idk where I am going with this part but KEEP with me we'll get somewhere.

    I would defend you, Jon, because you say you feel like a phony but this post is heartfelt. This post is not fake. You say you're scared but I don't see that. This post is brave. You are brave. And brave books, those are the ones I want to read. BRAVE ones. You'll get there. You'll find the switch. I mean, I know I haven't found it yet but seriously if we keep searching I'm sure somebody will find it.

    Mm. Soo. Yeahh. Not sure WHERE to go from there. Uh, mm. I think maybe I have managed to get high on apple and mango juice. AHHHHH. My brain is buzzing. AHHH.

    <3 <3 <3

  6. Oh Jon, thank goodness for kindreds like you. I also can't write like a I talk because apparently everyone in the YA world is deathly afraid of words I use on a daily basis to describe everything in my world.

    I actually tried to defend a certain word in the comments of a blog post about it once and it was such a heinous idea to the author that she responded to everyone's comments but mine - all like 76 comments.

    And that Seal picture was so fucking weird.

  7. Jon, we all go through this. I know so many writers who have high highs and low lows. Don't let it get you down. I've seen plenty of foul language in YA, so go ahead and write that *bleeping* book! ;) You'll rock it!

  8. I cannot say it better than Heather.

    Be you. We like you. Even when you don't feel yourself. We like you.

    Also, I'm not a profound writer or person for that matter. I just want my writing to make someone smile. And in person, I want to make someone smile. I read Us Weekly. I laugh at silly Seal photos. :) But I can be absolutely driven when I want to.

    Use any word you effing want in your books! It's YOUR book! (ahem, except SE. It's mg... :)

  9. And lastly, you are not a phony. You are a true original. A phony wouldn't put this all out there.

    And again, I love what Heather said. I rambled. Meant every word. But Heather said it best!

  10. No two fingerprints are alike. Don't ever be afraid to be you. And never offer apologies for being so, especially to yourself.