UPDATE: My entry has been posted. Thanks to everyone who read and gave feedback. I appreciate you all!
I am participating in my first writing contest. I chose to pare down the first 250 words of The Second Person Experiment, which remains untitled. I know some of you are sick of this story being shoved down your throat, but I think some new folks will be stopping by and I wanted to get their input. All input is appreciated and will influence my final entry to the contest, due Thursday night. The entries will be judged by Teen Eyes, have you seen these girls? They are amazing! The contest is hosted by Brenda Drake.
I am participating in my first writing contest. I chose to pare down the first 250 words of The Second Person Experiment, which remains untitled. I know some of you are sick of this story being shoved down your throat, but I think some new folks will be stopping by and I wanted to get their input. All input is appreciated and will influence my final entry to the contest, due Thursday night. The entries will be judged by Teen Eyes, have you seen these girls? They are amazing! The contest is hosted by Brenda Drake.
The Second Person Experiment
YA contemporary
Chapter One
“Excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all stink.” –Grandpa
You avoided getting a summer job for three reasons 1. you’re lazy 2. you had prior obligations and 3. you try your hardest not to listen to your parents. Sitting on the toilet, you ponder these truths.
1. Yes, you are lazy, but you’re lazy with class. You bathe and workout. You wear Axe body spray and hold doors for the ladies. You work hard on your material, and it pays off - everyone laughs at your jokes.
2. Video games. Parties. Video games. Sleep. Video games. indeed, you were very busy this summer. There was no time to ‘freshen up and head to the mall and ask for applications’ like your mom asked you to do on a daily basis. You were too busy. So busy, in fact, you didn’t have time to fill out the day planner your dad bought you. That was supposed to be the proof that you were trying. Well, you weren’t.
3. Your parents are wrong 99% of the time. “Allen, do this, Allen, do that, and everything else will fall into place.” Well, you listened to them for the first twelve years of your life and look where that got you.
There’s only one person who lead you in the right direction and that was Grandpa. You miss him and wish he were still here to tell you what to do. And then you realize he would’ve told you to get a job.
Dammit, someone forgot to change the roll. Oh yeah, it was you.
I liked this (and the version before)! Under point 2, you probably could drop the "indeed." In paragraph about Grandpa, I think it should be "led" not lead.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise it's perfect. How far have you gotten into this one?
I think this is great. I would suggest giving it a working title, however. Time to stop calling it an experiment, and time to call it a work in progress. :)
ReplyDeleteI really like the opening quote from Grandpa!
ReplyDeleteYou avoided getting a summer job for three reasons 1. you’re lazy 2. you had prior obligations and 3. you try your hardest not to listen to your parents.
I would change to this:
You avoided getting a summer job for three reasons: one, you’re lazy; two, you had prior obligations; and three, you try your hardest not to listen to your parents.
And I think you need something between these two sentences:
And then you realize he would’ve told you to get a job.
Dammit, someone forgot to change the roll. Oh yeah, it was you.
Maybe sigh?
All in all, great job. I wasn't sure I would like reading something in the 2nd person, but I did.
Maria - Thanks for the edits! I am about 10k into it.
ReplyDeleteHeather - Easier said than done.
Nicole - Thanks for taking the time for suggestions! I agree with them.
Hmm. This is interesting. I have no valid input as I'm not a teen reader. I'll be interested though in how well you do.
ReplyDeleteHello, Jonathon. I'm doing my rounds, critiquing as many other entries as I can before I pass out.
ReplyDeleteI really really liked this. The only thing that seemed off for me, was the end, after the list was over. It was this part.
There’s only one person who lead you in the right direction and that was Grandpa. You miss him and wish he were still here to tell you what to do. And then you realize he would’ve told you to get a job.
Dammit, someone forgot to change the roll. Oh yeah, it was you.
I think this would have had more strength if it was inner thought, coming from you MC's POV, not being told to him by the narrator. However, if this is the way you've written the entire novel, this is a style choice. If you let the reader into the MC's POV later, I would suggest starting that off right here. It would be more powerful.
Good luck!
Loved this, Jonathon. The voice is excellent. You actually made me like 2nd person POV (very hard to do, btw). I agree with Nicole's suggestions above about the numbering, but I'm old and could be wrong on that. LOL Anyway, I really enjoyed this and I miss my grandfather too, so I really connected with this. Good luck with the contest! <3
ReplyDeleteI'm not a teen but you hooked me with Grandpa's quote! Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI love this, especially Grandpa's wisdom at the beginning. I would love it if every chapter started with a little Grandpa's wisdom. Even though this is in second person I still get a really good sense of the character. My only issue was that the last sentence seemed a little abrupt and that for a moment I forgot he was in the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteThis was great! Very ambitious of you to try 2nd person. But so far, I think you've got it nailed. I'm wondering at the age of your MC. He's talking about getting a job and stuff, but there is a lot of potty humor that is more associated with 10 year olds. Maybe your just trying to show his immaturity. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to get a feel for where a story is going from just the first 250 words. Who knows what's coming in the next sentence. But from this opening selection, I didn't get a feel for what the story is about, or what to expect from the novel. He's just complaining.
Good luck!
I love this! Yes to the "led" and not "lead". Also, the "first twelve years" says "middle grade" but the tone of voice does not. Plus, can you get a job at 12? So I was thinking TEEN, right? So I didn't understand the 12 thing.
ReplyDeleteBut holy heck, I love the voice in this! It would SO FUN to read. If I were a teen, I'd be hooked!
I love the voice, I love the humour, but I don't think I could read a novel in 2nd person...
ReplyDeleteI wish this was in 1st or 3rd, 'cause you'd really have my hooked, then ;)
Hahaha! Very snarky ( : Love your writing!
ReplyDeleteGood luck, J. I forgot about having entered this until I read your blog...
ReplyDelete