Nov 17, 2010

What to call this... (In the interim: A Farewell)

a funk?

a rut?

the doldrums?

It's definitely all of the above.

I am posting today to tell you that I am not going to be around for a while. I totally fell off the wagon at the beginning of NaNo and writing with literary abandon turned into abandoning all things in my life. Do not mistake that as me saying NaNo was going well. It was not. I got to 7,000 words and died.

Like, literally.

It all happened the moment I said this, "Maybe I'm not meant to be a writer."

Now, I know this happens to everyone. We all question our aspirations on a regular basis for various reasons. That sentence was totally the nail in my coffin because I'd already been deeply questioning my decision to become a writer since summer. As soon as the words came out my mouth, I deflated like a hot air balloon collapsing on the ground. It was over. My book was over. I still obsessed over it, staring at its demeaning blank pages for hours at a time, but it was over.

This probably all sounds silly and naive, but the truth is I have been too impressionable this past year and without many things to celebrate, I have gone into a deep... ugh. Yeah, ugh. It's a medical term.

I miss my friends from home and I feel no sense of satisfaction from my job. I've been a horrible critique partner. My BFF is in an infatuated relationship with her boyfriend and it kinda makes me sick. I haven't been running regularly and my car has been out of commission for two months since I cannot afford the repairs. I feel stranded on an island and I totally didn't get to take my one thing with me.

All of this has culminated to into one massive ball of crap that is tied to me by an unbreakable tether. It's the epitome of ball-and-chain. I feel like I am at the edge of a precipice and the ball is inches away from going over. I have no fight left. I'd let the ball roll right over that edge and take me with it. In fact, I kind of want it to.

Maybe Wonderland is at the bottom.

That'd be better than here.

Where is here?

That's another part of the problem. Wtf is here? I am so totally lost.

I'm in No Man's Land.

It's a foggy, gray place with eerie noises in the foreground and white noise in the background.

I am strapping up and setting off on a new adventure (think lederhosen and suspenders).

Next semester I have five classes, sixteen credits. That makes me nervous, but it's time to kick my education into high gear. I am taking the next two months and pumping myself back up. This time I am avoiding the hot air and going for something more solid.

Thank you so much for the support you have given me over the last year. It means the world to me and it helped me to get through so much already. I still have lots of work to do, but know that you helped build the basis from which I will conquer the world.

Thanks again and good luck.