Nov 17, 2010

What to call this... (In the interim: A Farewell)

a funk?

a rut?

the doldrums?

It's definitely all of the above.

I am posting today to tell you that I am not going to be around for a while. I totally fell off the wagon at the beginning of NaNo and writing with literary abandon turned into abandoning all things in my life. Do not mistake that as me saying NaNo was going well. It was not. I got to 7,000 words and died.

Like, literally.

It all happened the moment I said this, "Maybe I'm not meant to be a writer."

Now, I know this happens to everyone. We all question our aspirations on a regular basis for various reasons. That sentence was totally the nail in my coffin because I'd already been deeply questioning my decision to become a writer since summer. As soon as the words came out my mouth, I deflated like a hot air balloon collapsing on the ground. It was over. My book was over. I still obsessed over it, staring at its demeaning blank pages for hours at a time, but it was over.

This probably all sounds silly and naive, but the truth is I have been too impressionable this past year and without many things to celebrate, I have gone into a deep... ugh. Yeah, ugh. It's a medical term.

I miss my friends from home and I feel no sense of satisfaction from my job. I've been a horrible critique partner. My BFF is in an infatuated relationship with her boyfriend and it kinda makes me sick. I haven't been running regularly and my car has been out of commission for two months since I cannot afford the repairs. I feel stranded on an island and I totally didn't get to take my one thing with me.

All of this has culminated to into one massive ball of crap that is tied to me by an unbreakable tether. It's the epitome of ball-and-chain. I feel like I am at the edge of a precipice and the ball is inches away from going over. I have no fight left. I'd let the ball roll right over that edge and take me with it. In fact, I kind of want it to.

Maybe Wonderland is at the bottom.

That'd be better than here.

Where is here?

That's another part of the problem. Wtf is here? I am so totally lost.

I'm in No Man's Land.

It's a foggy, gray place with eerie noises in the foreground and white noise in the background.

I am strapping up and setting off on a new adventure (think lederhosen and suspenders).

Next semester I have five classes, sixteen credits. That makes me nervous, but it's time to kick my education into high gear. I am taking the next two months and pumping myself back up. This time I am avoiding the hot air and going for something more solid.

Thank you so much for the support you have given me over the last year. It means the world to me and it helped me to get through so much already. I still have lots of work to do, but know that you helped build the basis from which I will conquer the world.

Thanks again and good luck.


  1. I have no words Jon, other than to say HUGS...I wish you the best and hope you find whatever it is you are looking for. I've lived through that kind of feeling and I know how hard it can be. HUGS again

  2. We'll all be here when you return, Jon. You are and will always be an inspiration. I love your quirky humor and view of life. So don't be gone forever!! Hah. Good luck, and go get'em.

  3. Lederhosen and suspenders, huh? So... that means you're coming to visit me? Oh wait... that would have to be a ginormous belt buckle and a ten gallon hat. Never mind.

    Jonny!! This post made me sad. I've had horrible Jon withdrawals and I will miss you MUCHO! I hope this ugh goes away soon! And I hope that when it does, you an get back into short story writing, at least, because you're so awesome, and you wow me constantly. Good luck, J!!

  4. I'm not sure I know yet what to do with this. I'll think about whether I will let you say goodbye (again). :P

  5. Jon, just reading this post speaks volumes on what an eloquent writer you are.
    But I do agree that your education should come first. You do really have your whole life to write. I sincerely hope you will go back to writing one day as I know you will succeed.
    But know that your writing buds can still be your buds if you are not writing.
    You are a true gem and keep in touch with us!

  6. I'm sorry, J. Must feel so rotten. It is in fact so rotten and I am very sorry. I commend your effort. I know how hard it is to keep growing and going through doubts and thoughts and feelings. And you definitely do all those things - go and grow. I don't think I am going to say goodbye because pulling back and reassessing and being busy doesn't have to mean goodbye. And generally I am resistant. You mean the world to me. Thank you for all the things you do for me. The things that you do for the blogworld. Keep doing things for yourself. xo

  7. Also, I want to say I had the same thought as Kelly up there - this post is written beautifully.

  8. Jon, you don't have to do everything at once. Life is long, and you have time to achieve your goals. Focussing on school right now is probably a wise choice. Maybe your education will lead you to something new you love and can succeed at. Or maybe it will lead you back to writing. Either way, we all love you and believe in you. Please don't feel like you have failed or that you are giving up. As Tina said, you are always going and growing. So enjoy the journey.

  9. Oh, Jon. I will miss you so much. I hope that school will help you find yourself again. Find your way back to happy, friend. And don't stay totally gone, okay? Pop in and say hi now and then. :-)

  10. Oh Jon. I've missed you. I wish there was an answer to make it all a stupidly simple a little debbie cake or something.
    I'm on gmail if you need me :-)
    And I'm failing NaNo miserably too :-(

  11. I can't say much other than reiterate what the comments above have said -- this post alone showcases your talent -- and you have plenty of time to discover yourself as a writer. Your job does not fulfill you -- and I think you are doing the right thing by pursuing your education so you can do something that does inspire you and bring you joy.

    You have years and years ahead to do everything you want to do ...

    PS: I have a closet full of uncompleted manuscripts dating from circa 1983 to 2003. I did my time in the doldrums too.

  12. I'm adding a HUG and repeating what others have said about your writing talent.

    "I feel stranded on an island and I totally didn't get to take my one thing with me."

    Now THAT's a good line.

    I also get the angst behind it. Remember there are people who care about you.

  13. I don't think there's any question that you should be a writer--not from our end. But you have to find that affirmative answer inside yourself for it to mean something. And I think you will. I've been on that island, and it's a scary place to be, because no matter how many people might reach out to you, they still seem to be just across the water. I think you're doing a good thing, taking time just for you and you and you. You need this, to refocus and find you. I don't think it's impossible or insurmountable.

    I'm so sorry you're struggling. But I think you are very brave for writing about it and for stepping back when you need to. I hope and pray that you will find your inner strength. Go find your J.

  14. *big, squishy hugs* Whatever you do, make sure it makes you happy. Beautiful prose above, lovey. Just gorgeous. Hope you keep in touch. You'll be missed.

  15. You need to email your # to me, so I can surprise you with a call sometime. I'm so glad you're back at school! And the blog thing doesn't have to be all or nothing...just drop in whenever. Sending you prayers, Jon!

  16. My Dearest Brother From Another Mother,

    First of all I suck at good-byes so therefore they are not allowed. You had better tweet me here and there *glares* or else.

    I'm sorry that things are so craptastic right now :(. I've been where you are and it stinks. Nothing I can say will help, except that you are a very talented writer, quite humorous, and an epic finder of all things music.

    Every writer goes through it, but that doesn't minimize your situation. As Campbell says, "Follow your bliss!" Don't forget how talented you are, I know you will do wonderful things, and we your loyal followers will be right here waiting for you if you ever need to talk (or amuse us with your antics). I miss you already...

  17. Hey pal. Yep, like many others here, I've been on that island too, thinking "Maybe I'm not meant to do this." There are times when that questions just feels so rational, you know? There are times when it did for me. And the thing is, I guess it is, right? Rational I mean. Cause isn't the whole point to be happy and fulfilled? If that's as a writer, great, if not, that's fine too.

    I used to be an actor, I got a degree in it, moved to NY and auditioned and all that, and there was a time when I just got tired of it. It wasn't fulfilling me anymore, but I was surrounded by all these other people and we were actors together and it was my identity. And it's like i felt a responsibility to that identity, not to myself. You know?

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're not a writer, or if this is even how you feel at all. I don't know you well enough for that. This is just my experience and I'm saying be loyal to yourself and your own happiness and go where that takes you. If I didn't quit acting I wouldn't be a writer now. Who knows how life will work out.

    Anyway, I think it's great that you know things are wrong and are taking steps to make them less wrong. Some people don't.

    I also think that there is no sadness so great that it cannot be cured with suspenders and lederhosen.

  18. Good luck Jon. The nice thing is that you can always come back to the writing part time. That's great you'll be moving ahead in school. Good luck.

  19. Jon! I'm sorry to hear this and I hope you find your footing soon. *HUGS* *SMOOSHES HAIR* Don't be a stranger because we <3 you and I miss you.

    *passes special cyber-cupcake*

  20. Inimitable Jon - You are a man of immense talent. Be good to yourself!

    I like Kate's wisdom: "you don't have to do everything at once." I'm a big fan of taking breaks, of listening to ourselves and learning new things. We accumulate experiences and those experiences bring us to the next experiences and inform those experiences and we grow and flourish.

    And of course you have the suspenders and lederhosen.

    Wherever you are, Jon, you are a gift.

  21. I hope you're having a good day today. Mine was a roller coaster. Can hardly wait to get to bed...just a little more kid shuffling to do. Anyway, just thinking of you.

  22. Hi Jon, Sorry to hear you are in a funk. I love Robert's thoughts: "Be good to yourself."

  23. I think you need one big big big hug, Jonathon :) Hope the holidays will bring back the magic in your kingdom!