Okay, so just to rectify my last post. I am just, you know, in a transitional moment of my life that happens to involve financial perils, reactive behavior (usually involving a lot of procrastination), and plenty of self-loathing.
Today was a fun day at the gas station job. For the first two hours of my shift I was spreading this powder stuff, with 'crete' somewhere in the name, that removes stains by sucking them out of the pavement. When the powder blows away, so does the stain and viola, cancer. Okay, so maybe it isn't a carcinogen, but it was blowing everywhere and I had it in my eye, hair, and socks. I was also in the sun the whole time and am now suffering from my first sunburn of the year! Yay!
Okay, so as I am doing this activity for two hours, I kept thinking about my last post and how my situation right now is totally reactive to my teen years. I was lazy as a teen. I was skinny, smartish, and more privileged than I realized at the time. I was bored, but I didn't do anything about it. I got B's and low A's because that kept me out of trouble. I didn't apply for any scholarships...because I didn't apply for any colleges, except one, an art college, and that's another story. So, as I was lollygagging around, I felt I was destined to just figure it all out one day and I'd be fine. Maybe meet some guy with enough money to support my dream of becoming and interior designer, then a sculptor, then an urban planner, then a...there were so many things I wanted to be when I grew up... Well, clearly that didn't happen.
So, I figured out I'd have to make my own way, pay my own dues. Yeah, well, my parents aren't like the shittiest parents ever, but they totally F'd up on too many occasions and I have spent my whole life trying to evade them and make myself a better person. Instead, I've remained the same moocher I was during high school, except it was okayish then. Now, I am just a twenty-four year old guy with no college degree, no living, no sustainable income, and no future. I am still seventeen, except with way more debt and far fewer options.
And it totally hit me as a guy I went to high school with pulled up into the lane next to me and stepped out of his Audi, which had a well-known Michigan university sticker on the back and he nodded in recognition.
I mean, I am standing their with dust flying around me, post-apocalyptic-style and sweat pouring down my face, janitor-style and he nods. Great, I thought. At least he had a great story to tell as he carelessly bet $20 on a less than great hand at poker night tonight. As he was leaving, I felt totally jealous, but not of his degree, career, better-than-me-ness, I felt jealous of his right to those things. He worked hard and got to have those things. He got to be the one to nod at me. Not me to him. He didn't only nod at me in recognition, there was pity on that face. And so help me if that one second blip of pity hasn't become my wake up call, my motivation to do something drastic. I feel the need to cut ties with all the lies that I've been living in because the only truth is the sad fact that it's really all my fault. I'm here because it's what I choose. I curse my teenage self( except the great choices in music, thanks 3EB!).
I surprised myself today by looking into churches. I am agnostic, which to me means I don't know what I believe in. It started with my dysfunctional Catholic upbringing and my inability to understand what I was supposed to believe in, so I chose nothing. I decided to not believe in anything. Then, it progressed from hypocrisy to the acceptance that it doesn't really matter what I believe, it'll reveal itself in time and I wasn't going to looking for it.
Well, I finally thought about it today, as I moved onto the next activity at work - cleaning the pumps for another two hours - and I have decided (your comments truly aided in this decision) that the drastic change I need isn't to pull up roots again and move across the country, nor is it to go looking for love (don't get me started on that dept.), but instead, I have decided to start looking. I have no idea what I am looking for. It doesn't really matter. I just need something to do and I want to meet people that have a genuine interest in my life and I want to meet people that know people that know things, some of which may be the answers that I seek and may lead the the aforementioned unmentionable subject. Who knows? I sure as hell don't, but I do know that my general apathy toward myself is over and dammit I am on my way.